Emotional Intelligence- Why Do I Feel the way I Feel? And So What?
Have you ever been whammied with a swirl of intense emotions, or witnessed a child or loved one in the middle of that swirl? It happens to all of us, whether we admit it or not, and it’s called Emotional Flooding. When I first started admitting it happened to me, I found myself thinking, “what in the world is going on?” Or, in less kind words, “what’s wrong with me?” Have you ever thought it odd that most of us are familiar with the letters of the alphabet, how to count our numbers and times-tables, but not many of us learned how to identify even basic human emotions, the purpose of why feelings exist, and why it’s important that we have them. Knowing which emotions we’re having, and why (and to then be able to identify what others might be feelings and why) is called “Emotional Intelligence.” Even though emotional intelligence is well-known as a significant predictor of success in children and adults (greater even than socio-economic status and academic achievement) it’s not highly valued in our Western American culture, nor is it taught in most of our schools as required curriculum (or even available curriculum). I dont ‘t think that’s quite fair… So, ready for a lesson? Me, too! Let’s dive in!
Lesson One - ALL emotions matter
I know, I know, this lesson seems almost primitive. But it is foundational to understand and truly “get” if you want to understand emotional health and emotional intelligence. Sure, we all know emotions matter, but when you’re in the middle of a fight with your partner, and they’re lashing out at you, are you truly sure that ALL emotions matter? Yes, intense emotions matter. Yes, “negative” emotions matter. Yes, even “loud” or “quiet” emotions matter. I cannot stress this enough. ALL emotions matter.
Of course, caveat here, not all actions are appropriate. That needs to be understood as well. If the core of emotional intelligence is validation, the key to it is boundaries, limits, and safety.
Got it? Ok, good! So, all emotions matter, but not all actions are appropriate. Why do our emotions matter so much anyway? Well, one of my favorite books on this subject is my Tristen Collins, LPC and her husband Jon Collins called “Why Emotions Matter.” It takes you through the most universal and common emotions, how to spot them, and how to respond to them. It also goes into detail about what each emotion is trying to signal to you and why that’s important in your life and relationships. This is pretty coherent with the work of Adele Lafrance and Emotionally Focused Family Therapy. I love this theory because it reminds us that all behavior is motivated. Behind every actions is a motivation, a need, and a solution that is only truly understood to the extent that the feeling behind the action is understood.
Let’s do a little question and answer!
What do you think the most common human emotions are? The ones that span culture, age, and background. Psychologists debate this, but there is generally a shortlist of agreed upon universal emotions.
And they are:
HAPPINESS
SADNESS
FEAR
ANGER
SHAME
JEALOUSY
Looking at these emotions, I want you to think about some positive and negative examples you have of these emotions in your life. In your positive example, can you think of a need or desire that was met? In the negative example, can you think of a need or desire that wasn’t met? What “caused” the emotion in your examples? Which emotions come most naturally to you? Which ones were you taught to “avoid?”
As you sit with the answers to these questions, let’s explore the science. It is generally understood that the following emotions serve the following purpose(s):
HAPPINESS - my feelings are letting me know my desires are being met, I’m being authentic, and my life is moving toward the things I want. I am generally safe, connected, and engaged.
SADNESS - my feelings are telling me something is missing, or something needs to heal.
FEAR - my feelings are telling me I’m close to something dangerous (as opposed to anxiety, which is “my feelings are telling me I’m close to something that feels dangerous to me).
ANGER - my feelings are telling me my expectations have not been met, or something important to me has been blocked or taken away.
SHAME - my feelings are telling me something about my identity or belonging is being put at risk.
JEALOUSY - my feelings are telling me something I long for isn’t yet fulfilled
As you can see from these short descriptions, feelings are REALLY important signals, gurus even! Yet, we are taught to ignore, numb, and segregate our emotions into spaces where they can’t offer us the wisdom they’re so committed to. To me, that’s a real shame.
This, then, is the first lesson of Emotional Intelligence. ALL emotions matter, because they all contain data, wisdom, and signaling that can be used by our hearts and minds to move us closer to the things we hope and work for (i.e., belonging, connection, success, self-awareness, bravery, love, confidence, etc).
Bringing it home, and what to do from here
I’ll leave you with this, what you feel is not “random” or out of place, even if the intensity doesn’t fit the facts (a lesson for another time!) and if you work on getting to know your feeling and the signals it’s trying to tell you, you’ll learn how to “complete the emotions cycle” rather than dismiss or exile feelings into emotions purgatory, where they continue to haunt you against your will. Emotions are not predators, but they get strong and bold when they feel you aren’t listening to them (or when they feel others aren’t listening to them). In this way, they’re not unlike children. But, you don’t see us teaching that children need to be isolated, cut off, or dealt with “as quickly as possible,” and yet this is exactly the spirit in which we teach people how to handle their emotions. Not cool, America, not cool.
Here are some steps/ prompts to get you started as you get to know your emotions and your signals:
Download an emotions chart. If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it (Dan Siegel). There are hundreds of emotions charts out there, so pick one that you feel most drawn to. I like Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Wheel.
Track your feelings / moods. Whether it’s through an app, bullet journaling, or just checking in with yourself each night before bed. Find a way to regularly ask and record “what did I feel today?”
Learn the Signals. Get familiar with the list provided above or similar ones from sources like Why Emotions Matter (Tristen and Jon Collins) or Adele Lafrance’s Emotion Focused Family Therapy. Then, you can use the emotions chart and your mood tracker to do some self-enquiry and find patterns. For example, you might notice when you look at your mood tracker that you felt anger repeatedly over the last several weeks. With this in mind, you can ask yourself the “signal search” question of “is there something I feel has been taken away or blocked recently for me or someone else?” If you can identify the message, you can identify the motion (where you need to go from here).
Practice completing the emotions cycle. More on this at a later time, but if you haven’t read the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski I highly recommend it. It’s written from and for females, but the data on the stress cycle is applicable to everyone and completely worth the read. In the book, the sisters explain that emotions have a beginning, a middle, and an end; but most of us don’t get through the cycle cause at the beginning of the emotion we immediately go into “shut it down” mode. So, we’re walking around with pent up stress directly caused by not allowing the emotion to complete itself. They say this is “dealing with the stressor, but not the stress.” In other words, we are pros at identifying and dealing with our stressors, the things that’s causing us to feel stressed. For example, we can cut off toxic relationships, we can move cities, we can change jobs, we can find ways to get better sleep, etc. BUT we are notoriously bad at dealing with our actually stress, the neurobiological / physical makeup of adrenaline and other hormones in our body that crop up in response to our stressors. It’s this stress that’s a key indicator you have an emotion waiting to complete its cycle. How do you complete the cycle? Again, I’ll write more on this another time, but suffice to say you’ll want to try things that make you feel you have “done” something with your emotional energy. Things like joyful movement, dancing, a brisk walk, karate, kickboxing, etc. You can also do a progressive muscle relaxation, finding something that makes you laugh hysterically, or allowing yourself to cry.
Ready? Set? Go! Remember, ALL emotions matter. Yes, ALL.